Zookeepers

They got me. I promised, back in January, that I wouldn't speak with the media this season. I pretty much didn't even when Diane Sawyer came to our home a week later and have been able to keep that promise to myself since.

Until this morning.

I was in the clubhouse this morning around 7:15. One of our trainers, Bing Levine, was working on my elbow, kneading it like bread dough, when I got a call on my cell phone. As I was one-handed, and it was very early, I picked up, assuming it was Vanessa. Instead, it was "Ted from Accounting" who wanted to go over my last paycheck to make sure they took out the right amount of FICA.

"Ted" had a deep, professional kind of voice. And he kept asking personal questions that had nothing to do with FICA, like if I spent my money wisely, did I use it to pay for the logo at the top of this page, would I consider donating some to his "charity for reformed former virgins."

It was around then that I realized "Ted" was either a crazy fan who somehow got my number, some other blogger or a person trying out his snarkiness. I was close. It was a Z-100 radio phone scam. After he revealed himself, I offered an embarrassed laugh and asked where they got my number. The DJ guy (I don't listen to the station) said he couldn't reveal his sources. Ha ha.

He asked me if I realized he was a member of the media and I'd broken my "sacred vow" to never speak with the media again. I responded that it was a season-long vow with an option to renew and I didn't consider a Morning Zoo disc jockey to be the media. "You're more like the cousin nobody wants around but has to put up with because you exist."

He then asked me if I'd appear on their show every week, since they weren't really The Media. I said no. They couldn't afford me. Then I told them it was time to wrap it up. I was having arm transplant surgery in an hour and the cadaver had just arrived. Right before I hung up, I heard one of the other Zookeepers mention it must have been a gorilla cadaver. Another hearty ha ha.

So they got me. They scammed me. I was punk'd. I was on Candid Camera (phone).

Bing asked who had called and I looked at him while he wrapped a steaming hot towel around my multi-million dollar elbow. "Just my cousin. I'm not talking to him anymore."

"Must've been a bad call," Bing said.

"He works in a zoo," I replied. "I hope they never let him out."