The Kids Are Alright

My relationship with my two daughters tends to rotate between time bomb explosiveness and potential death-spreading wildfire. It's rarely easy, like instant oatmeal. And usually, it's all my fault.

Case in point: I convinced Alyssa and Grace to come down with me to Florida, along with Vanessa, for this last spring training. My "pitch" to them was this would be my last spring training and I wanted us all to spend it together. I'd be home every day by 3:00 and we'd have oodles of family time. I also mentioned how I'd miss them, but this didn't make the headline in their craniums. Being away from home, being away from their friends - that was the headline they remembered. We're almost a month into spring training now. I've been home by 3:00 twice.

I take much of the blame. My rehab and workouts (and this) have taken up considerably more time than I had thought. Vanessa and I still have charitable events that we attend (like a clinic for the Boys & Girls Club this past Sunday morning). And sometimes I just find myself driving around, hitting the road to let off some steam. The pressure this spring training is more intense than I've felt in almost 20 years. Battling the in-house competition, battling my own insecurities, battling with Rick and Alvin, and battling with my girls - if life becomes a constant battle, you need to take a breather sometimes. And that sometimes sometimes takes place around 3:00, when I said I'd be home but instead am taking the on ramp to 95 South with Van Halen's "Panama" blasting from my rental car speakers.

We attempted to have a family dinner last night. Here's an excerpt:

Me: How was your day?

Nobody answers; the "nobody" meaning my two girls. I already knew Vanessa's day was less than tolerable.

Me: Two daughters, specifically Alyssa and Grace, my offspring, how was your day?
Alyssa: Fine.
Grace: You are a wise ass.

It's hard to swallow a large stalk of broccoli when your 15 year old daughter just called you a "wise ass."

Me: Where did you hear that word?
Grace: It's two words.
Alyssa: Pretty much everybody we know.
Grace: You're also a blowhard.
Alyssa: A big mouth.
Grace: Pompous and selfish.

It's hard not to choke on a cheddar cheese sauce chaser when your kids, with incredible conviction, just repeated the same insults you've been hearing about yourself for the past 15 years.

Vanessa: How was your day, dear?
Me: I really like this broccoli.

Vanessa's upset, but not with me. Her stalker "friend" Connie paid a surprise visit this afternoon and said she'd be staying at a Marriott about 500 yards away from the gated (thank God) community we're temporarily living in. How long will Connie be here? She didn't give Vanessa a specific date, but I think she'll be here as long as it takes. As long as it takes to do what? is the question churning through my wife's head. But that problem is for another day. Right now, I was dealing with a couple of teenage malcontents.

Me: The important thing is we're having a nice family dinner.

At this point, both girls left the table. Nobody asked to be excused. When I made this point, Vanessa told me I hadn't made that point in about 9 years. I lack in consistency at times, was her point.

I sprung into action by calling Dr. Henry Cohegans, our team psychologist. For years, I thought he was our team psychiatrist. But I've been wrong for years. He's a psychologist. There's a difference. I'll figure that out at some other time.

Let me remind you of the confidentiality agreement I signed with Dr. Cohegans over the winter. He was explicit in stating he wanted to be no part of this blog and he did not want to ever be quoted by me, either directly or paraphrased. By signing my agreement to this, I have honored the doctor's wishes.

I can, however, include my side of the conversations. Not once have I asked my readers to keep what they read confidential. That's really hard on the worldwide web.

Dr. Cohegans -
Me: Not so good. It's my girls.
Dr. Cohegans -
Me: Get them on the phone? There are two of them? Does that mean I have to pay for all three of us?
Dr. Cohegans -

The good doctor waited 10 very expensive minutes (paid for by the team, so I don't know why I become so obsessed with what he charges) while I pounded on bedroom doors and gently coaxed my two young loved ones to share a phone line with a stranger. They did this and made me leave the room.

Dr. Cohegans -
Alyssa - He promised us he'd be here and he never is.
Grace - He played golf two Sundays ago after telling us we had to be home for a special 'Sunday dinner.' He didn't get home until we'd already gone to bed.
Alyssa - He thinks his stupid blog is more important than us.
Me - I do not.
Dr. Cohegans -
Grace - Dad!
Alyssa - Hey!

I hung up, forgetting that eavesdropping is supposed to be done in secret from the ones you are eavesdropping on.

Half an hour later, the phone rang. It was Dr. Cohegans.

Me - They hate me.
Dr. Cohegans -
Me - Why do I say that? You heard what they said. And you didn't hear what they said at dinner.
Dr. Cohegans -
Me - What about respect for your elders?
Dr. Cohegans -
Me - Yes Rick and Alvin are older than me. What's that got to do with - Oh. I see.
Dr. Cohegans -
Me - No, I just wiped my eye. I'd been having trouble seeing out of it for a few minutes.
Dr. Cohegans -
Me - Because humor masks my true insecurities. I've used that word twice tonight and sound very intelligent.
Dr. Cohegans -
Me - Fine. Should I go apologize to them both now? I'd hug them but they'd run away and call me a molester.
Dr. Cohegans -
Me - Because humor masks their true insecurities.

I hung up and pounded on doors for 10 minutes. (Vanessa was out with Connie, trying to keep the woman away from a very private family issue. FYI - Keep this between us.) I eventually coaxed the girls out when I told them I was about to be arrested for disturbing the peace.

First thing I did was sit the two of them down and explain my situation. No, wait. I apologized first, then explained, which made me feel like I was justifying myself for being a jerk over the last few weeks. If I had explained first and then apologized, I would have been able to make it seem like I was apologizing as a favor to them, thus keeping me, the father-figure (and actual father) in power during this exchange.

But I apologized first, making me appear weak and vulnerable. I'm sure I was slouching too. Not attractive traits in a man. I was happy Vanessa was out with her stalker friend.

Grace - It's not fair that you kidnapped us and forced us down to Florida.
Me - But it's the sunshine state.
Alyssa - It rains every day at 4:00.
Me - Very humid here. Oh, and I prefer the word abduct to kidnap. Sounds like I was more organized.
Grace - Your friend Felipe wouldn't think that was very funny.

Grace was right. Felipe Castro's mother remains held in captivity while I try to justify to my daughters why I'm not spending enough time with them.

Me - Let's do this. Starting tomorrow, we make sure we do something together every day. Even if that means I have to make breakfast for you.
Alyssa - I only eat a yogurt.
Me - I'll pasteurize the dairy.
Grace - I skip breakfast.
Me - I'll force some bacon down your throat.

I think one of them smiled about this time. Which made me really smile. Kids are all the same. They just want to be loved. And even if they know they are, they want to hear it once in a while. Or be shown it. I know I need to do a better job with my kids. They're both terrific and smart and pretty like their mom. Maybe this was the beginning of a new relationship between them and me. Maybe this was a life-changing time for us all.

But first, I had to figure out how to tell them we were out of instant oatmeal.