Thursday, December 13, 2007

Setting The Record Straight

Vanessa spent some time yesterday reading through my blog entries and came away - what was the word she use? Ah. Unfulfilled. Not the first time she's used that word as it pertains to our relations. But back on point, the general consensus she came up with was that much of the information I have conveyed in my blog has been either full of "factual errors," whatever that means, or "highly glossed over truths." I asked her nicely to put her English degree away and give it to me straight.

Vanessa: It's horseshit.

So today I have decided to clean up some inconsistencies and bring you up to date on all of the details of my life, sponsored by The Boring Foundation: Putting Americans To Sleeps Since 1968.

MY CONTRACT

It did get sticky and threats of lawsuits did fly by night, but here's the deal on my deal (Special thanks to super agent Jack Perry's special assistant to the president, Ryan, for letting me know how much money I'll be making this year.): $16 million player option opted, by me, this past November. Subsequent Team and Player (moi) restructuring led to my $7 million salary in 2008 and $5 million paid out over 10 years beginning in 2010, with interest. $4 million personal services contract over 3 years beginning in 2009. However, this option to be superceded by mutual Team/Player (moi) $10 million 2009 playing option, in which case the 2009 personal services option will be delayed until 2010. Full no trade clause. Personal trainer and personal chef thrown in for the helluvit.

In other words... Let's just say I'm playing in 2008, maybe 2009, but no matter what, I'm on the TV or radio team the first season I'm no longer an active player.

THE ROOSTER

Andy, my team-paid personal trainer, does not make me chase Monique the rooster around a YMCA gym with my ankles tied. It's a rubber chicken. And his name's Jerome.

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY WIFE

I love Vanessa. I love Vanessa. I love Vanessa. I love Vanessa.

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH RICK CHURCHES, OUR NEW MANAGER

Rick has been around the game a long time and I believe he'll make some lucky team a wonderful manager someday.

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH "RED" SCOTT

"Red" is my father.

SERIOUSLY

Fine. To be honest, he missed most of my childhood. He was a ballplayer, like me now, and then a broadcaster. But he never got hurt and therefore got to spend a full year with me the way I've been able to do with my kids since my injury. What I have with them now is something he'll never have with me. And that's probably something we'll both always (secretly) regret.

THE PEPSI ENDORSEMENT

What I wrote about this was almost all true. Except Grace has since opted out. She says she'll be too busy. So Julia and I will film this the first week of January.

ON GOING BALD

Watch me in my first post-game, post-shower press conference. You'll see the large gap between the top of my eyebrow and tip of my hairline. Then tell me I'm crazy.

REHAB

It's going better than I've reported. I've lost 6 pounds since Thanksgiving and need to lose another 10. At 39, it's harder to lose 16 pounds than it was when I was... Wait. I've never had to lose 16 pounds before. So, in general, it is a difficult thing. But I'm running 5 days a week, about 45 minutes per run. I'm working out with Andy 6 hours a day, 5 days a week. I'm eating better and have become more self-conscious of my receding hairline than one-time expanding waistline. I'm not throwing yet because I don't really need to. There's no pain in my elbow or shoulder and both areas are getting stronger after 7 months of inactivity I like to call "rest." I will toss off flat ground January 1 (going to do it at 12:01 AM - bring your cameras!) and should be throwing off a mound by February 1. I'll be a little behind in spring training, but barring any setbacks, should be game-ready by mid-April or May 1.

One final note: Last week, I mentioned how my local paperboy threw three newspapers at me. At the time, I wrote how two were New York Times papers and one was a Newark Star Ledger. I lied. One was a Morristown Daily Record. Since it's more local than the others, I didn't think it featured the pedigree of a Times or Ledger, which used to get lots of play in The Sopranos. My apologies to you, the staff of the Daily Record, the people of Morristown, and my paperboy, who thinks I'm a cheap holiday tipper.

There you have it. All the news that's fit to type, right in front of you. Let me know if you have any questions. I'll be glad to have Vanessa answer them for you.

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