Cordial Invitations

Vanessa and I received a "Save The Date!" card in the mail today from "Dan & Krissy." Apparently, Dan & Krissy are getting married on July 19, 2009. We're very happy for them and will certainly be sure to save that date, and every date from today until our lives end. As to whether or not Vanessa and I go to Dan & Krissy's wedding, there's only one problem.

We don't know who they are.

These things happen more often than we care to feel guilty about. Maybe in 2008 we'll (meaning Vanessa) keep track of how many events we've been invited to. We can have two categories: People we know and People we don't know. My bet is the People we know column will edge out the other, but just barely.

We've been invited to bar mitzvahs, bat mitzvahs, sweet 16s, baby showers, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th, 90th and two 100th birthday parties. We've been invited to Christmas parties, Republican and Democratic parties, office parties, bachelor parties... Yes, Vanessa has a number of fans in the male population who would like nothing better than for her to attend their bachelor party. So far, she's said no (or not responded) every time. So far.

We get it. I had a colleague once who invited the Rolling Stones to play as his wedding band. Of course, there was a DJ at the actual reception, but the colleague had a good story telling people the Stones were "tied up" that day.

When strangers/fans/strange people invite Vanessa and me to their events, it's more on a lark. They don't really expect us to attend. Which is why it would be funny if I was the one who popped out of Dan's bachelor party cake sometime in May of 2009.

I'm not sure if the general population knows what it takes to get people as famous, noteworthy and incredibly beautiful such as Vanessa and me (well, maybe Vanessa) to attend their functions. Here are some ways to get commitments from the rich and famous:

1. Make sure proceeds from the event are going to The Jimmy Scott Foundation. That way, after we skim a little off the top, we can distribute to our earmark charities fighting Lyme Disease M.S.
2. Provide exit strategies for your "special guests" should crowds of fans and onlookers end up soaking their fingernails in our gazpacho.
3. Don't heat the gazpacho!
4. Security should be ample. Dogs, police on horseback, and many guns will make us feel safe.
5. Provide transportation for us. Sure we can afford it on our own, but we're better than you. This is something we expect. Along with...
6. The best seats at the event. Maybe the groom and bride should just scoot over a bit.
7. Goodie Bags. Candy and saran-wrapped picture books won't do it. We need the items in each goodie bag to carry an aggregate value of a minimum $12,000. We're going to redistribute everything to charity or a jerkoff cousin, but the rich and famous need to feel important. So please, give generously and wisely.
8. Clothing allowance. You don't think I'm going to pay to rent a tux for your event, do you?
9. Private bathrooms. If you think somebody like me is going to stand at the urinal next to some guy who's pissed (no pun intended) I ruined his fantasy team in 2007, then you're nuts. We need private facilities. Again, if the rich and famous don't get constant validation that they're better than you, we'll make a scene which you will inevitably regret.
10. Don't expect an RSVP. We may decide to show up at the last minute. Or we may decide to blow it off at the last minute. Or we may, all along, have thought your event unworthy of our presence. Either way, it's rude of you to expect us to respond to your request. If you want us there, give us the space we need to make a decision based upon our desires, not yours.

There you have it. In a year, I'll publish how many invitations we received from people like you. We can share a drink over it.

Or maybe not.