Private Lessons

Got a call from Tiger Woods' Caddy today. Apparently, the team is going to sue both of us and would I consider splitting legal costs. One minute we're not talking, the next we're supposed to get into a potentially protracted legal battle together. I told him I'd get back to him.

This is all my fault, according to my wife, Medusa, I mean Vanessa. She says I should have talked about my feelings with somebody - anybody, before we got to this stage. I asked her who.

Vanessa: How about Tiger Woods' Caddy (not the name she used)?

Me: No.

Vanessa: How about your father?

Me: Nyet.

Vanessa: Why not me?

Me: Hmm?

I love my wife. L-O-V-E. She's my bridge over troubled water, my ju nu say qua. But she doesn't always understand me as well as me. Here's what wouldn've happened:

Me: I think I want to opt.

Vanessa: Are you sure?

See? I want her to say, "Opt away! Let's make the lovin' now." But instead, she questions my decision. She'll tell you any statement someone states that begins with "I think..." is not the same as "I'm a gonna and you can't stop me." After 19 years of matrimony mony, you'd think she'd know this.

Anyway, the past has passed. Maybe I should have spoken with her, no, let me re-phrase. I should have gone to her first and said, "I want to opt." But I didn't. We did not make the lovin' then or since.

My oldest twin daughter (by three minutes), Julia, likes to sing her way out of sticky situations. When she was recently threatened with a three-day suspension from school because her cheerleaders formed a pyramid in the shape of a lesbian vagina (or so said her principal; I thought all va-jay-jays were the same) at the girl's JV volleyball game (Grace sat out with nostril spasms), Julia came home and wrote a song on her guitar about the confrontation. It was terrible (the song, I mean). But the important point, Vanessa said, is the girl expressed her emotions.

Thus, the important lessons I've learned since this debacle has begun are:

1. When making a statement to my wife, make it definitive. "I want to make the lovin' now."

1. a) When she says no, pretend you realize your timing was bad.

1. b) When she says no, have her define a situation in which she could possibly say yes.

2. Express my emotions; communication is the key to thwarting potential lawsuits.

3. Don't announce I'm going to take a nap. Just take one. It gives off the impression that someone like me must deserve one. How else could I fall asleep with the TV on the Spike channel?

I realize #3 seems out of place, but it's an ongoing lesson I'm trying to learn. Check back soon. I'm going to take a nap now.