What's So Free About Being An Agent?

At midnight this morning, teams could begin the official buying of human beings to slave on professional baseball fields for them in front of millions of people across the country. I could have been one of these indentured-servants-to-be, but we all know by now I opted to do otherwise.

It's not just the players who are salivating at the mouth (as if there's someplace else to engage in the legal act of salivation), the agents are too. Because when you see Player A sign with Team B for X amount of dollars, Agent 007 gets a nice little portion of that check. Fans and team management likes to blame agents for the spiraling salaries we as players can receive, but agents do more than that. I've had three agents in my 21 years in professional baseball. Each successive agent has succeeded more in the pocketbook because of my abilities, the game's economics, and, oh hell, I'll admit it, their hard work.

Now is one of those times they work the hardest. It's not just guys like me who earn $10 million, $15 million, even $25 million per year they concentrate on. There are also the very important bench guys who'll get a one year $650K deal who they need to find jobs for. Also, there are the guys just looking for an invitation from a big league club to spring training, some former stars who can't let go of the game, who need one more summer in The Life, who drive their respective agents crazy pestering them for work. Finally, there are the players who believe they are better than everyone else, the ones who live through the Law of Excuses, of untapped excellence, who are misunderstood by other players, their managers and coaching staffs, their wives/girlfriends... These guys, in general, are also one step closer to legal insanity than any other players in the game. I've played with a number of this type of player. Examples:

A) Orville - Scared to death of flying, tough considering you can't get from an extra-inning midnight game in New York to the clubhouse in LA at 4PM by minivan. By the time I played with this guy, he was what we called a Roadtrip Alcoholic. The only way to get him on and off the plane was to liquor him up so bad, has hangover lasted until the flight home. Then we'd do it all over again. Never hit higher than .270 but swore in some alternate universe he was a .330 slugger.

B) Neville - Guys have different hobbies, like hunting, videogames big time over the past five or six years, collecting cars... But Neville's hobby was falling hardcore in love with any female in a skirt. As a result, he collected wives. A number of reasons this can't be good:

1. It's illegal to be married to more than one person at a time in America.
2. He'd break taboo and make moves on girlfriends and wives of teammates. Not a good way to make friends.
3. Everybody knew about it.

It's amazing to me the media never reported on this guy, because the man did these things in an internet, post-TMZ world. The guy's currently out of baseball, but I heard he called his agent just last week looking to make a comeback. I guess if you're married to more than one woman at a time, you can be divorced to them at the same time too. Sounds like the guy needs a spreadsheet to keep track of who's getting alimony.

C) Devil - Growing up, every class in school had its troublemaker. That doesn't change when we get older. Never. Every single team I've played for has had the one - sometimes two or three (bad job by upper mgt. there) - of these guys who break rules, break laws, and, through osmosis, help break up a team. They make a lot of money because they're genuinely talented, and even the biggest jerk will get a $9 million contract if he can hit a ball over a wall or throw a ball through it. Agents have love/hate relationships with these players. Marquee names, marquee salaries, but high maintenance individuals. Many won't return calls or give feedback other than, "$10 million. That's all I want. Tell me when you get it." These guys follow the money, and sometimes they get lucky and it's a winning team that wants them. Contracts longer than 2 years are not for the GM (or agent) with a faint of heart. I hate these guys, who say stupid things like the holocaust, dinosaurs and gays never existed. 9/11 was a conspiracy, and we're all out to get them. We are, but they perform on the field, so we pretend we're not if they ask.

So when you start seeing the money get thrown around starting today, think about all of the parties involved. We don't play in a vacuum, nor do we get paid in one. Blame the agents all you want, but it ain't a party without them.